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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24437563">The Boy, An Ape And A Medium Walk Into A Store</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Nin/pseuds/Scarlet_Nin'>Scarlet_Nin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Number Five | The Boy, Ben wants waffles, But like always the stuff for his fam comes first, Five hates old people at the registers, Five just wants his goddamn coffee, Gen, Grocery Shopping, Klaus sits in the shopping cart, Poor Luther</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:53:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,286</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24437563</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Nin/pseuds/Scarlet_Nin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey, hey, Five.”</p>
<p>Resisting the urge to jump away, he stills needs to find a good brand of coffee, goddamn it, Five frowns. “What.”</p>
<p>“Ben just gave me the best idea of the century. Oh man, that’s genius Benny!”</p>
<p>“Spit it out.”</p>
<p>Curiosity is a horrible thing. Because Klaus has got this look one his face that some people might mistake for sweet and childish excitement, those unsuspecting fools who haven’t seen him jump up and down on his bed with glee over the fire he’s made in his desk drawer. It’s a traffic light flashing red, the mischief on his face says "I’ve just come up with a terrific prank" or "I fucked up and I’m dragging you into helping me because I know you won’t dare to say no to me" kind of smile. A smile Diego has fallen for countless times.</p>
<p>Try as he may Five’s got a little secret love for arson himself, so turning him away for that would be pure hypocrisy. Not to mention his obsessive need to know things won’t let Five stop listening once his interest is caught.</p>
<p>And his siblings, most of all Klaus on his peak of unpredictable manic, never failed to do so.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy &amp; Klaus Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>737</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Boy, An Ape And A Medium Walk Into A Store</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What are you, eight?”</p>
<p>Five instantly regrets uttering those words the moment they leave his mouth.</p>
<p>“No, silly,”</p>
<p>Klaus chides, waggling a finger into the air, lying in the shopping cart with a delighted grin.</p>
<p>“I’m four! Jeez, Fivey, get your head checked. Wouldn’t do for you to turn into a demented old man. Next thing we know we’ll have to get you a hearing aid, too.”</p>
<p>“I’ll push you into a shelf at top speed.”</p>
<p>Five smiles, sweet and innocent to old ladies but unhinged for everyone else willing to take a closer look at the teeth peeking through its gaps. The poisonous fangs of a viper glinting in the sun.</p>
<p>“Full of pickle jars and then I’ll jump away and leave you to deal with the mess.”</p>
<p>“Oh please,” Klaus snorts, turning around to crane his head to look at Five, who pushes the shopping cart and flips off a woman in a pencil skirt giving them dirty looks.</p>
<p>“I am a mess. A big one. You couldn’t create a bigger one if you <em>tried</em>.”</p>
<p>“Try me.” Five is all polite smiles held together by sheer force of will on his face. The glint in his eyes, knuckles turning white as he steers the cart away from the gaping woman is making Klaus have second-thoughts.</p>
<p>“I’d rather not.” Prying out glass shards from his skin isn’t something he enjoys.</p>
<p>“That’s what I thought.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be mean.” Klaus whines, yelping when a bag of Doritos hits him in the face. “Ben, the old man’s turning into a grouch. Did you see that? He’s abusing poor little old me!”</p>
<p>Ben’s reply makes an offended frown appear on Klaus’s face and it’s times like this Five mourns the wit lost to his brother’s deaf ears.</p>
<p>“Keep your voice down.”</p>
<p>“Like you care,” His brother sulks, crossing his arms across his chest as his limbs make room for a box of peanut butter jars. Without the crunchy pieces. He tosses a bag of marshmallow at Klaus without looking, hearing him catch it and hug it close like a pillow.</p>
<p>Five rolls his eyes. “I don’t but I don’t think you want to be banned from another store.”</p>
<p>“I literally robbed the store down the streets a month ago.”</p>
<p>“Exactly,” Five cuts of a man to get to the last bag of barbecue chips, grinning cheekily into his face when he grumbles, eyes darting towards Klaus lazily letting himself be chauffeured around by a thirteen-year old in a school uniform.</p>
<p>One sharp glance from Five sends the man scurries down another aisle, sweat breaking out across his skin.</p>
<p>“There’s only so many stores left in this city.”</p>
<p>“And I’ll find a way to get myself thrown out of every one if it means Luther has to go shopping again.” Klaus giggles to himself, perking up to look around, squinting with eyeliner smudged eyes as if Luther’s massive size could somehow be missed.</p>
<p>“Speaking of that big guy, where have you sent him off to?”</p>
<p>Five’s face is set in stone. “To get some eggs.”</p>
<p>Klaus bursts into laughter, sinking deeper into the cart.</p>
<p>The corners of Five’s mouth twitch up at the sound until he school’s his features into a flat look of distaste.</p>
<p>“Christ on a cracker,” Klaus’s grin is a more of a beam of sunlight stretching from ear to ear than something as small as a smile and being the focus of such warmth lets Five’s muscle relax in a way he won’t admit he enjoys if it means letting his brother know he likes the attention.</p>
<p>“You’re really pissed off about him asking if you need help to reach the top shelf, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Fuck off.” Five spits out, glaring at the woman looking at the cleansing wipes, who lets out a shocked gasp at his language.</p>
<p>“Terribly sorry, miss,” Klaus winks, blowing her a kiss and leaning over the cart to grab Allison’s favorite brand. “I promise I’ll wash out his mouth with soap after this! Little man shouldn’t be swearing at his age.”</p>
<p>He salutes as Five kicks the cart. “I’ll shove that soap so far down your throat—”</p>
<p>“Ah, ah, ah!” Klaus coos, shaking his head in mock disapproval. “No death threats before dinner. You’ll spoil your appetite.”</p>
<p>“Threats?” Five asks, brow raised and scowl firmly put onto his face. “Who said anything about threats? It’s a promise, asshole.”</p>
<p>“Sure is, munchkin.”</p>
<p>Five’s hand shots out, gripping an ear and he pinches the soft skin between his thumb and index finger without listening to Klaus’s consistent stream of yammering protest.</p>
<p>“Let go, you vicious brat—ow, ow, ow, I’m delicate, y’know!”</p>
<p>“You’re a pain in the ass.” Five sighs, letting go and watching his brother rub his ear.</p>
<p>“Well…” Klaus wiggles his eyebrows. “That too.”</p>
<p>Using his hand to swat his brother across the head Five ignores the wide-eyed stares of the makeup aisle with the ease of not giving a fuck. Let them watch a kid discipline a full-grown ass adult into submission.</p>
<p>It’s not fair. For Klaus to get a body that doesn’t match his mind and to leave Five stuck with one which does.</p>
<p>“Ben says you’re not allowed to damage the goods! My brain cells are important, but everything else is fair ga—”</p>
<p>Klaus trails off, turning to hiss at a package of tampons they walk past. Five doesn’t bat an eye, blindly reaching for a box and chugging it at his brother’s head in the hopes to get the last few brain cells he must have borrowed from Ben to get back to work.</p>
<p>It works.</p>
<p>“Rude, much?” Klaus sniffs but settles down like a fussy toddler after a tantrum. “Can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss Luther and I’m blaming it on the brain damage you’re causing by throwing tampons at me.”</p>
<p>“You’ll live.” Five deadpans.</p>
<p>“Traumatized for life,” Klaus groans, waving around the tampon box like a bouquet intended for his lover. Five pushes his arm down, giving the skin a warning squeeze that might leave bruises.</p>
<p>“Hey, hey, Five.”</p>
<p>Resisting the urge to jump away, he stills needs to find a good brand of coffee, goddamn it, Five frowns. “What.”</p>
<p>“Ben just gave me the best idea of the century. Oh man, that’s genius Benny!”</p>
<p>“Spit it out.”</p>
<p>Curiosity is a horrible thing. Because Klaus has got this look one his face that some people might mistake for sweet and childish excitement, those unsuspecting fools who haven’t seen him jump up and down on his bed with glee over the fire he’s made in his desk drawer. It’s a traffic light flashing red, the mischief on his face says <em>I’ve just come up with a terrific prank </em>or <em>I fucked up and I’m dragging you into helping me because I know you won’t dare to say no to me </em>kind of smile. A smile Diego has fallen for countless times.</p>
<p>Try as he may Five’s got a little secret love for arson himself, so turning him away for that would be pure hypocrisy. Not to mention his obsessive need to know things won’t let Five stop listening once his interest is caught.</p>
<p>And his siblings, most of all Klaus on his peak of unpredictable manic, never failed to do so.</p>
<p>“What sort of face do you think Luther will make if we throw them at him?”</p>
<p>The mental picture of the pure horror flashing across their brother’s face brings an unwilling grin to Five’s face.</p>
<p>“We’ll say they’re for Allison.”</p>
<p>He nods, on board with the idea and giving it his full support. Klaus and him share a smile like they’re suddenly both thirteen again, standing in front of the paparazzies as the flashes go off, grinning over Luther’s puffed out chest and joking he’ll suffocate if he doesn’t stop to exhale the breath, he’s holding to appear bigger on camera.</p>
<p>Luther rounds the corner, carrying a carton of eggs like it’s a newborn just in time.</p>
<p>“Oh, brother dearest!” Klaus bats his eyelashes, curling his fingers to gesture for Luther to come closer. “We have a question for you.”</p>
<p>“…okay?”</p>
<p>Not one to be put off at dull reactions and weird looks, Klaus holds out the box on his palms for all the visible onlookers to see.</p>
<p>“Think they’re the right size for Allison, buddy?”</p>
<p>The carton of eggs breaks under the crushing force of Luther’s grip, egg yolk spilling out onto the floor and Klaus laughs so hard he cries.</p>
<p>Even Five can’t help but chuckle at the sight, his earlier irritation fizzling into the mild exasperation he always feels around his siblings.</p>
<p>“Stop laughing.” Luther demands, cheeks flushing bright red and it sends Klaus into hysterics.</p>
<p>“Seriously stop this childish behavior at once!”</p>
<p>Five is the oldest one, the most responsible of their lot.</p>
<p>But he’s also the pettiest and enjoys having his brothers deal with their own medicine a bit too much for it to be healthy. Dolores’s words not his own. Klaus used to call it Schadenfreude in a very good German accent most of their siblings found annoying.</p>
<p>So, Five, like the adult he is, shoves Klaus aside to make room in the shopping cart for him to sit and climbs into it.</p>
<p>“You’re driving the cart and Klaus wants Waffles.” He says straight-faced, snapping his fingers to get Luther to focus and moving.</p>
<p>“And Ben.”</p>
<p>“And Ben,” Five echoes because if he can’t get his damn coffee then at the very least Ben will get his waffles.</p>
<p>“Chop, chop, muscle man,” Klaus claps his hands, knocking into Five and latching onto him when Luther dumps the destroyed egg carton inside the cart.</p>
<p>“Gross!”</p>
<p>“I’ve seen you eat a donut out of a literal dumpster.”</p>
<p>“That was different.” Klaus whines as Luther starts pushing them with little to no effort towards the cash register, grabbing a package of frozen waffles on the way.</p>
<p>“I was hungry and high. And drunk, yes, thank you Ben, for reminding me of my faults. Yay sobriety and all that jack shit, can you stop bitching now that I’ve said it?”</p>
<p>“Cut her off,” Five narrows his eyes at the grandma hurrying towards the register with her own cart full of groceries. Klaus perks up at the order, choosing to ignore his squabble with Ben in favor of watching what he mutters “got Five’s panties in a twist”.</p>
<p>“She’s an old lady.” Luther says aghast at the demand and Five turns to glower at him.</p>
<p>“I’m an old man!” He sneers and points at the registers. “I’m not waiting another hour in this hellhole, so she can count all her pennies only to notice she should have paid with a fucking credit card like a normal person.”</p>
<p>“Oh shit, he’s serious about to throw hands with a granny,” Klaus gasps in delight. “It’s moments like these were I regret my lack of a phone.”</p>
<p>Luther pushes forward in a burst of speed, startling Five and knocking Klaus back against the cart as he cuts in line right in front of the old woman with the knitted sweater who gives him the stink eye. She looks like he spat on her cat and Luther doesn’t feel so sorry for making her wait the longer she glares at him.</p>
<p>Five crosses his arms, looking smug and every bit of a cocky thirteen-year-old schoolboy who just got full marks on a test he didn’t study for.</p>
<p>“We should go shopping together more often.” Klaus nudges the empty air besides him as the register lady gives them a weird stare, hurrying to get them to leave.</p>
<p>“Absolutely not.” Five drawls out just as Luther shakes his head and says “I’ll take a rain check.”</p>
<p>Klaus pouts.</p>
<p>When they’re outside he nearly falls on his face, whining about his legs having fallen asleep. He stumbles along next to Luther who carries the bags like a deer learning to walk and the sharp retort on Five’s tongue dies out when he notices something dark green peek out at the top of one of their plastic shopping bags.</p>
<p>That’s Five’s recently discovered favorite coffee brand he’s run out on two days ago. The reason why he went shopping in the first place before the house came down and put a list in his hands with the things they’d need and money and the plea not to set the store on fire.</p>
<p>Klaus tagged along because for the lack of anything better to do and Five couldn’t get the booze without an adult around and Luther got roped into accompanying—babysitting him because asking him to buy booze when he couldn’t drink as much as he could before even with supervision was insensitive to the point of hurtful. Even if Klaus insisted, he’d be fine with it.</p>
<p>Five hadn’t put it in the cart, set on getting the rest of the stuff on the list as fast as possible and then too busy staring the bitter old lady down at the register. Luther got on his nerves and took up the time in his search for a decent carton of eggs, so that left—</p>
<p>“Come here you walking disaster, let’s get you to the car without face-planting to the ground.”</p>
<p>He reaches out to steady Klaus, letting him lean onto his shoulder like he did when they were kids and Five only disliked touches for their show of weakness rather than the uncomfortable itch of ants crawling underneath his skin.</p>
<p>“Aww, you do care, Fivey! Isn’t that so sweet? I’m sure if your lady friend saw you now, she’d take candy out of her little handbag she’d been eyeing, to give it to you.”</p>
<p>“Shut up or I’ll trip you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Five and Klaus going shopping together, God, I would have loved to see that in an actual episode! </p>
<p>I love these two and I'm gonna write more for them. My children!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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